For me, songs act as pockets of memories. This seems to be quite a popular phenomenon wherein a person would listen to a song repeatedly during a specific time in their life and the track becomes imbued with the emotions and memories of that era.
I recently went back and listened to songs that reminded me of the time that I was a budding engineer and hopeful for a career in computer science, and my time in high school where I was beginning to discover myself. My personal journey, I believe, begins in high school. This is where I began to discover friendships, love, and what I wanted to do.
This is not to say I had everything figured out. It took aeons for me to understand where my potential lay, and how to act on it. At the time when I was enamoured by the possibility of technology, I didn’t realise that my life would take a sharp right turn and I would find myself much akin to a rebuilding franchise.
This began when I dropped out. It is common knowledge amongst people who know me that I dropped out of engineering and pursued communication with the intention of becoming a journalist. What I haven’t discussed much with people bar a few extremely close to me is the misery I dealt with at the time. It took a tremendous amount of effort to really grasp the situation I was in and claw my way out.
The weight of disappointment, fear, and uncertainty kept me from enjoying much of the last wisps of my time in engineering. I had no idea how the next few years would turn out and I might have gambled everything only to end up with a mediocre position doing something that I was still unhappy with. There’s a saying that when it rains, it pours — it felt that everything in my personal life was taking a turn for the worse. The graves of ruined friendships and lost connections scattered the empty expanse that was my mind. The tension at home was palpable with the reputation of my family taking a toll from my decision to leave the conventional route and tread the path considered to be for those with no potential and ambition.
Of course, my immediate family were absolutely the most supportive and were the ones who brought up the idea of leaving the course in the first place so it did not matter to them but I had a chip on my shoulder and this need to prove myself. Had it not been for the support of my family and other loved ones it would have been nigh impossible to take the plunge and pursue my passion. I still felt that I had to achieve something, and do it fast, in order to prove that I was capable of success. This led me to undertaking every opportunity I was given and reaching the point of burnout. This is a large part of the reason I don’t do graphic design anymore beyond the occasional idea I might have.
I had not realised it at the time but the status quo is in a state of constant flux. There is no final state of nature where everything remains as so — every relationship, every facet of a lifestyle, every aspect within a job is always going to change regardless of how long a paradigm might persist. When the decision to discontinue engineering was made I felt stuck, seeing my peers move up and making something of themselves both within college and in the professional world. I felt like I was wasting my time waiting for my life at a new institution to begin and tried to fill the void with whatever I thought would make me seem productive — which ended up being debate tournaments and meagre internships. I did not know it then but the decision to drop out would give me a chance to engage with my potential at its fullest.
At long last, I have reached a period in my life where I feel confident and secure in what I am doing. Having received a scholarship to study abroad for a semester and landed a job at a prestigious institution waiting for me when I get back, the wins keep rolling in. I’m in an unprecedented echelon of happiness where I believe that my life is on the right track and my dreams are being realised.
In this time of joy I find it interesting to look back at how far I’ve come and I find it so immensely enjoyable to revel in the fact that I have arrived. Songs that were tainted with notions of regret and failure no longer reek the same stench but provide a warm embrace as it reminds me of how 22 year-old-me proved 17 year-old-me wrong. I brand these new emotions into a new set of songs as a time capsule for the unbridled ecstasy I feel right now so I can look back in the future with a smile.
I think very fondly of Avatar: The Last Airbender and whilst being a children’s show, the cartoon dispenses true wisdom that really drove me to think. There’s a quote in the form of a question from the character Uncle Iroh that bored a hole in my mind and stayed there, driving me to understand myself. It took years of failure, patience, and reflection but I finally found the answer.
It’s time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions. Who are you and what do you want?
I am Varun Vyas Hebbalalu, and I want to be the greatest journalist I can possibly be.
